a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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