Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
