we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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