as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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