Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Randomize
