Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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