drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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