i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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