apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
