This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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