You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If I die, sorry about rent.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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