I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
