i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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