Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
