Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
