I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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