the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
