just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
