He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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