Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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