between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
