I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
