I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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