so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
