I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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