sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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