Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
