is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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