so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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