So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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