There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
