Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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