I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
