Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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