the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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