I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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