new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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