Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
