there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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