I wish you could order shots online.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
