On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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