ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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