Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
