the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
