apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
