Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
