I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
