he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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