i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
