Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
