i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
