so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
