i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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