I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
