you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
