just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
