Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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